though it's months later -- hope you feel better about the chipmunk situation. what can you do about it? It would have caused you harm to avoid the chipmunk, and at least in Jewish law (as far as I understand it), you must do what you ave to, in order to save a life, including your own.

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The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

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Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

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It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Why don't you write books people can read?

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I am not young enough to know everything.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Men have become the tools of their tools.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

If you are going through hell, keep going.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

If a man does his best, what else is there?

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

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