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Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

I’d come to check with you on this. Which is not something I typically do! I enjoy reading a post that will make people think. Also, thanks for allowing me to speak my mind!

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Thanks very much for this distinct blog;this is the kind of thing that keeps me on track through my day. I’ve been searching around for your site after being referred to them from a buddy and was thrilled when I found it after searching for awhile. Being a demanding blogger, I’m dazzled to see others taking initivative and contributing to the community. I would like to comment to show my appreciation for your blog as it’s very encouraging, and many writers do not get acceptance they deserve. I am sure I’ll visit again and will recommend to my friends.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

If a man does his best, what else is there?

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

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