caregiver

I am exhausted, but i wouldn't have it any other way.

Lorraine, my adoptive grandmother, is dying. She's been fighting cancer for a little over five years, and this fall, the doctors finally said that her body couldn't take any more curative therapy, and they were switching her to a pain-abatement regime. She did quite well for a long time - went to New York to see her sister, ate well, helped throw Tom (her husband, my adoptive grandfather) an awesome 80th birthday party, and so on. She was even doing pretty well two weeks ago when my parents visited, all things considered. They said she was a little more confused than before, but given that she was on time-release morphine, that seems expected. Heck, i'd be more confused than usual if you attached a 12-hour release morphine patch to me.

We got a phone call on Thursday night; she went on Tuesday to make her funeral arrangements, and her health started seriously declining the next day, on Wednesday. By Thursday, she wasn't able to swallow anymore.

On Friday Russell & i spent the day in Livermore with Tom and Lorraine. I helped Rose and Maudie care for Lorraine some; she held onto Russell's hand tightly. She is lucid for maybe 2 seconds at a time, every 5 or 6 hours. We visited with Tom. We talked & ate dinner with him.

My parents arrived on Saturday; they joined me at Tom & Lorraine's. Again, we talked with Tom, took care of Lorraine, had some dinner.

This morning, they went back over early, and then left for Las Vegas around noon. I went over later in the afternoon, having made dinner i could reheat and serve later. I stayed with Tom and Lorraine until around 8pm, when Tom went to bed.

Each day, i've learned more about the basic caregiving tasks for someone in their final days, who is restricted to bed. Today i learned the final bits, helping with the medications as well. I'll be trying to work half-days for the next few days; Tom needs me even more than Lorraine does.

What i'm learning? It's exhausting. It takes amazing amounts of energy, but i have it in me. I have this bit set in my hindbrain that fires automatically in situations of crisis like this; i experience my emotions, but in a small hyperreal box somewhere in my head. I store them up and process them later. I feel, but i don't fall apart. I can take care of people. (I get this strange, autonomous bit from my Grandma Jesolyn; my mom complains that it skipped her, but she has more of it than she thinks.) I wouldn't miss taking care of Tom and Lorraine for the world; i'm both very fortunate to have had them next door during my child & teenagehood, but also to be close enough to give a little back now.

And i can see it doing good. When i'm there, Tom sits with Lorraine more. She responds to him. She responds to me talking to her. Tom can talk to me, a little, about how he feels about this. I can't even begin to imagine where he is right now; he's losing his partner of 54 years.

One of the most precious gifts i received at my wedding was the wish (individually, from each of them) that i have as many happy years with Russell as they've had with each other. I hope their wish comes through; they're amazing people.

Posted by meriko at March 03, 2002 10:34 PM